Getting Back Into Yoga

When I was in high school, I spent 30 minutes several times a week doing yoga. I had a couple of videos I did at home — both featuring the ponytail-wearing, sickeningly-flexible Rodney Yee. In addition to this, I spent time a couple nights of week at the gym. I never did anything crazy — just an elliptical and some circuit training. What I found, however, was that I was much more confident, relaxed, positive, and in better shape (not to mention 30 lbs. lighter… but honestly, who will ever weigh what they did in high school again?)

International yoga expert Colleen Saidman says yoga “offers women solace, reflection, joy, acceptance and ease in their bodies.”

I want that! And more! Next Wednesday, I’m going to a free “Intro to Power Yoga” class. Then I’m going to finally use the Groupon I bought for six drop-in power yoga classes. Finally. Getting myself a healthy hobby!

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Being Nice

A decade ago if you asked me to describe myself, the first word out of my mouth was “nice.” I used to pride myself on “being nice.” Somewhere between my former (crazy) boss hacking my work email, my dead-beat dad’s girlfriend calling me a “money-hungry little bitch,” and one of the many, many men (or should I say “boys”) telling me “you’re the most amazing girl, but I just don’t like you like that,” I lost some of my “niceness.” Each step down the road of my life, each chink in my armor, each hurtful word said about me caused me to misplace more and more of what my mom used to call my “savior-ness.”  Somewhere along the line, I stopped wanting to save, help, and be kind to everyone, but instead just wanted to survive without letting anyone see what a scared, hurt person I had become.

 

So: I developed this biting, sarcastic, and (admittedly, at times) mean personality. It’s not who I thought I was, and it’s not who I want to be. But I’m stuck; stuck feeling like the only way to protect myself from hurt is to do the hurting (but this, my friends, ALWAYS backfires); stuck not being able to hold my tongue when the perfect time to insult somebody is presented; stuck alienating people because I want to be alone. If you’re alone, nobody can hurt you, right?

 

Yet I still hold out this tiny, tiny sliver of hope that somebody won’t want me to be alone; they won’t want me to have to face the world alone; they want me to become who I used to be. But there’s nobody. Sure, I have friends–AMAZING friends, actually — and to quote my favorite sociology professor from my undergrad, “there is an interconnectedness in this world–we are never truly alone,” — yet I’m continually left with just one person: myself. I’m starting to think I’m the last person I should try to count on.

 

There is a beauty in this, though–a common denominator–and that’s me. I’m the one who is self-aware enough to know this, so I am the one who can change it. I just have to figure out how to do this. A little self-reflection is necessary, and even some self-love (not that kind, you pervert… get your mind out of the gutter).

 

I’m going to do this. I’m going to again think that my best quality is that I’m “nice” (or again, as my mom would say, a “savior”). Even if I end up alone in the end, at least I’ll have gone down knowing that I did everything in my power to treat others with the kindness everyone deserves.

“I wanna get ma…

“I wanna get married wearing a veil. And I wanna taste, like, 15 cakes before I do it. And I know that I said that I was against the industrial marriage complex, but that’s what I really want.”

Hannah Horvath, Girls

Kismet

Does karma exist? I’ve always thought so. But when learning some information about my estranged father, I realized that maybe it doesn’t.

I’m not religious whatsoever, but I also have always thought some things are just “fated” — or rather, things were meant to happen a certain way or follow a certain course of events. It was fated that my dad met my mom, that they got married and gave birth to three (awesome, if I do say so myself) children. It was even fated that my mom finally had enough courage to leave after 18 grueling, abusive, alcoholic years with good ol’ dad. But I refuse to believe that god, the fates, Allah, Buddah, or whatever spiritual or kismetic force there is out there would WILLINGLY do favors for my father; that somehow everything aligned in the perfect time and place for him to be granted so many positive things in his life.

If I seem bitter, it’s because I am. No amount of counseling, talking, complaining, or blog posting will ever allow me to forgive my dear old dad for the negativity he has brought into my life. I know I am a better person for him not being in my life–and I can only hope that somehow, someday–the planets will align and he’ll experience a shred of the pain he caused me.

I have to hold out hope for that, because without hope I’m not sure what else there is.

28 before 28

I’ve started compiling a list of things I want to do before I turn 28 (and descent into an “almost being thirty and I’m still alone” depression). The bad part is — I can’t even think of 28 things I want to do… and I only have 7 months from today to finish the list (let alone create it). Help! 

Frustrating

Really, really sick of the “I’m an ally” photos being shared on Facebook — not because I’m not an ally (in fact, anyone who knows me actually thinks I’m slightly over the top with how much I support marriage equality) — but because the photo clearly states, “I am not gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, but I support equal rights.” 

If you really supported equal rights, do you need to specifically point out that you AREN’T gay? If we were all truly equal, then we wouldn’t need to point out what we are and are not. We are all simply people. 

Imagine if I was to say, “I believe African Americans should have equal rights… but I’m not African American.” That would just be ridiculous. So what’s the difference? 

BTW, the image I am referring to is located here.

 

 

“I can see myse…

“I can see myself almost in an out-of-body experience, realize that I am being ‘too much’ and ‘too intense’ at yet another social gathering because I know no other way to be, there will always be a small voice in my head which encourages me to tell the dirty joke, to make the overly-frank comment, and to sacrifice the seen-and-not-heard beauty that we are raised to admire in a woman.”

The Kind of Girl I Am

Truer words have never described me. Thank you Chelsea Fagan

Teaching

I’ve always alternated between wanting to be a teacher and NOT wanting to be a teacher. When I started college, my intention was to become a middle or high school teacher, but as time went on I realized that was not where my passion was. I LOVED sociology, and I wanted to read, learn, and hear everything there was to know about it. I still, to this day, am a huge sociology junkie.

I’ve spent my time working in both social services and higher education. I’ve never thought I wanted to work in the higher ed sector, but when I was presented with the opportunity to teach a college class next fall, I was almost surprised at how excited I was. My co-teacher just gave me the books we will be using in class, and I honestly cannot wait to dive in and read them, take notes, and start thinking about the discussions I will facilitate with students. It’s making me wonder if maybe teaching really IS where I want to be… just with college students.

I can’t wait for next fall!

Be Fine

We may never find our reason to shine, 
but here and now, this is our time.

And I may never find the meaning of life,
but for this moment, I am fine.

Rob Thomas – Streetcorner Symphony

Obama

Tomorrow will be a day of change. Whether that change is to continue moving forward, or to fall backward to past beliefs, policies, and strategies is up to the voting public. All I can do is hold out hope that my fellow voting citizens will make the choice to stand with our President for four more years.

Tonight, Obama spent the last night before his election in Des Moines. He shared these words:

“One voice can change a room. And if it can change a room, it can change a city. And if it can change a city, it can change a state. And if it can change a state, it can change a nation. And if it can change a nation it can change the world!” 

ONE voice can change everything. NEVER forget that.